Joke For Any Day

Jokes For Any Day

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps.
“What denomination?” Asked the clerk.
“Oh, my goodness, have we come to this?” said the woman.
“Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist.”

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

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One minister says that it doesn't bother him at all if his members look at their watches during his sermons. It does affect him, however, when someone not only looks at his watch, but also holds it up to his ear to see if it's still running.

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A new pastor was doing his rounds visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it was evident that someone was within but no one answered his repeated knocks. Eventually he wrote on the back of a calling card: ‘Revelation 3:20’ and stuck it to the door.

The following Sunday he was surprised to find his card in the offering plate. Below his writing was scrawled: ‘Genesis 3:10.’

He reached for his Bible and thereafter broke into gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 - “Behold, I stand at the door and knock…”

Genesis 3:10 - “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked…”

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The other day a fellow asked the pastor, "Can I smoke and still get to heaven?" Pastor replied "Sure, and if you smoke, you might get there a lot sooner."

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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."

"Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."

"That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, "It's Adam's Suit!"

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."  "What?"  "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"  "No. You had your chance. Lights out."  

Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."  "WHAT?"  "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"  "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"  

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."  "WHAT!"  "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

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BULLETIN BLOOPERS

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Taken from:
www.christian-jokes.net/
www.louisvilleemmaus.com/jokes2.html
www.jokesclean.com/ChristianJokes/